Nothing in This Room Means Anything
Today I finished the first lesson in A Course in Miracles... and it's a bit trippy. Nothing I see means anything. The sky, this computer, water, my clock, my body... do not mean anything.
A Course in Miracles is supposed to help choose right thinking, to let go of the wants of the ego, and here already on day one my ego is putting up a major fight.
What do you mean, my body doesn't mean anything? Are you insane?
This water doesn't mean anything? You know that without it you'll die, right? (I think what it's trying to tell me is that I'll die without it, which is totally not true)
But another part of me enjoyed the exercise (if you don't have a copy of A Course in Miracles, you can get it here).
A part of me was relieved.
I told you that I've been suffering from depression and that is the reason why I've re-devoted myself to becoming a student of A Course in Miracles. And that part of me was so relieved that I don't have to worry about a thing.
And that's the entire basis of A Course in Miracles. We don't have to worry about a thing. We can turn everything over to the Holy Spirit, we can ask for help and guidance. The pain that we feel, we don't have to feel it.
I've had depression as long as I can remember. My therapist told me that my brain has tracked these patterns of sadness and now they are the default, and that the medication was supposed to help erase those tracks and create new ones.
But what if this feeling of relief that a part of me feels can grow into joy? Can grow into love? That is something that no pill can bring. Not true joy. Not true love.
I am open and willing to receive miracles.