I Do Not Understand Anything I See

lesson 3 studying a course in miracles acim

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Read day one here.

Today’s lesson has been my “favorite” so far. I feel like it’s taken a lot of pressure of me to know anything. I don’t have to worry about the things that worry me because I have no idea what they mean.

But it is a double-edged sword, of course. I can’t just say that I don’t know what the things that distress me mean… I also have to admit that things I think I know the meaning of I don’t. It’s getting a bit confusing… Good thing it’s just a two minute exercise!

Speaking of how it only lasts two minutes, I think the reason I gave up last time was because it was “too easy” and my ego had me convinced that I must be crazy if I really believed that two minutes (some days I think it goes up to maybe five) a day would make any difference. This ties directly into the teachings in A Course in Miracles, though. In A Course in Miracles, it says there is no order of difficulty in miracles. So by convincing myself that this is “too easy”, I am blocking my miracle. And that’s exactly what happened last time. I played right into the ego’s plan and gave up.

On another note, I’ve been really committed to this process. I’ve been praying, journaling, witnessing, going deep, and I know that I’ve made some major progress… which is great, but… yes there is a but…

I am experiencing an “expansion hangover”. No I haven’t been drinking (or anything else), but I have been growing and stretching, and today it all hit me. I suddenly felt really tired and overwhelmed and I couldn’t figure out why until it finally dawned on me.

I think this is something that needs to be talked about more, the discomfort, or growing pains, that naturally occur when we are changing thoughts and/or behaviors that we’ve had in place for years. Luckily for me, I just had a teacher mention this very thing this week so it dawned on me pretty quickly what was going on and so I was able to quickly implement a self-care plan (ummm…. Buffy, lavender oil and a bubble bath, so what?).

Yes, I am happy that I’m growing. No, I don’t want to stop growing. But I need to acknowledge that if I want to continue to grow (I do) I need to make sure that I’m taking it easy on myself when I need to. And after two and half days of hard inner work and studying A Course in Miracles, I was definitely due.

The last thing I noticed today was that my ego is getting trickier. When I first started paying attention to it a couple days ago it was taking it easy, sticking to old standbys like picking fights with my boyfriend and getting frustrated with technology, but today, it had to up it’s game because I upped mine, and today I had to dig deeper to figure out what the heck was going on with my ego at times, like when I had a flutter of panic just moments before a podcast interview.

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