If Music Be The Food of Love

just stay curious self-love

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This morning while I was journaling I almost started crying because I had this serious moment of clarity.

I’m launching a podcast in 1 week and it has been life changing. When I decided I wanted to start a podcast I had no idea how consumed I would become by the project, that it would become the most important thing in my life. But it has.

I get to raise my own consciousness by hearing stories about self-love and life lessons every single day. Every single day I’m thinking about self-love because I’m talking about it every day. On a personal level, that has been life changing.

I get to connect with amazing women who also know the importance of self-love and who are adding it into their lives every day. I get to ask them questions, send them emails, and add them to my circle, and hey, that is seriously cool.

I get to inspire people to own their own stories by sharing, what I’m sure will be, hundreds of stories, lessons, and tips about finding self-love. I’ve been pretty vocal about my upcoming podcast, and I’ve had so many people tell me how excited they are, and how this project is so needed. I am literally bursting with gratitude and joy for this one thing alone.

In the very first podcast (episode 000), I’m going to be briefly talking about how I was self-medicating by drinking too much and doing drugs. That period of my life lasted for about 5 years. The last time I told myself that I loved myself was 6 or 7 years ago, until today. Today I realized that I have been taking the steps I need to take to become the person I want to become. Today I realized that I’m not letting others write my story any more (others including people, drugs and alcohol). I’ve been on this healing path for awhile, but today was the first day that it hit me upside the head and said, “hey, love yourself, be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.”

I was reminded of something Martha Beck said… she said that she was grateful for the hard times in her life, and for being born a sensitive soul because that had made her who she was today, enabled her to help so many people today. I started to think about my own troubles and I asked myself if I was grateful for them. I know clear as day that if I hadn’t had those troubles, I would not be writing this blog post today, I would not be launching a podcast next week, and I would not be connecting with people who are interested in spiritual growth at the level that I am now.

I started to think of who I would be if I had followed the path I wanted for myself. And it came to me. I’d be a musician. 1,000 time over, that’s what would have happened. When I dropped out of college my freshman year because I was depressed over a failed marriage (yes, that happened), I had been pursuing a degree in music. When I finally got my music history degree, I had been contemplating pursuing my master’s in music and then I ran away to Spain (again, because of a broken heart).

I could have had the life I had dreamed of, I could have been that musician if I hadn’t been led astray. I asked myself, do you wish that would have happened instead?? This took some thought. I pursued music relentlessly since I was a little girl. Do I wish that I hadn’t been steered away from that path?? Do I wish that I was a successful musician?? Do I wish that I got to travel the world performing??

I was surprised that I answered no. I’m happy to be where I am now. I’m happy that I get to connect with so many women and that I now have emails in my inbox from people telling me how excited they are about my upcoming podcast, and how they feel like this work is needed. When I dreamed of becoming a musician it was for purely selfish reasons. I enjoyed it, I wanted it, I was good at it. And while I totally think it’s possible to help people via music, that’s not what I wanted out of it. I wanted to help myself. Now I have a project I love that inspires myself AND others and that is just amazing to me.

The part that brought me to tears though was this: I suddenly realized- I’m still a musician, I studied for years and that doesn’t suddenly go away because I don’t have a master’s degree and I’m not singing at Sagrada Familia anymore… I don’t have to give up music. Music can be a part of my life, I can be one of those musicians who heals and inspires through music. This thought didn’t come to me until after I had decided that as hard as it all was, I’m happy to be where I am now and I don’t want a different life.

Like I said, this just happened while I was journaling this morning. I look forward to exploring what comes next, but I know one thing for sure, music is definitely still an integral part of who I am and I know it’s still in my future.

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