Moving From Fear to Love
living in a prison of fear
If you haven't seen my current apartment you can check it out here. No one has to tell me how incredibly lucky and blessed I am. What prompted me to make a change in my life was a culmination of many many many things, but the final straw was this:
I was sitting inside my beautiful apartment staring out onto a beautiful view wearing a beautiful robe I bought in Madrid. And I was unhappy. No one was more shocked than me. I asked myself why? What do I possibly have to be unhappy about? My life is a dream by most standards
The answer came to me in bits and pieces. It didn't matter if I had the "perfect" life if I couldn't control my fear and anxiety that plagued me on a daily basis. And while my apartment is wonderful, it feels less so when it becomes more of a prison because I am afraid to leave it
"It's not a perfect life if it feels like a prison"
I tried to slowly chew and digest this information, but I found it distasteful and tried to spit it out. But the taste wouldn't go away and all the thoughts I'd been avoiding for years refused to go away. I processed this in a very aggressive way, perhaps even vicious. But I had opened the can of worms and there was no turning back. I think the saddest thing here was not my attitude when I finally had to speak up, but that it took me so long to do so in the first place.
In the days that followed I felt more alone than ever and I realized that no one would help me, no one would love me, if I didn't first love and help myself. Since then I've been taking active steps in taking responsibility for my actions and forgiving myself from past detours. As I learn more I hope to share it here, on Just Stay Curious.
Why share? Why now?
Why share all of this? Because I myself have received help from listening to/ reading other people's stories and I hope that through this documentation someone else to begin their own journey to self love and acceptance. To let them know that we're all afraid of something, but we can move out of fear and into love. But most of all, because I feel like I have to for myself.