I am upset because I see something that isn’t there
Lesson six of A Course in Miracles has me noticing the stories I am telling myself. Lesson six says "I'm upset because I see something that isn't there". I am being influenced by something that isn't there. I have made up a false story that is bringing me pain- sadness, anger, depression, any bad feeling is brought on because I see something that isn't there- and I believe it.
I suppose I'm like a child this way, remembering when I still believed in Santa Claus and my classmates saying "of course I don't believe in Santa Claus" like that statement was a badge of honor. It separated us. Those who believed and those who didn't. Except in this case, Santa Claus would be a very bad thing- like evil Santa... just go with it.
Even now in adulthood there is a line that separates us, those of us who believe the false stories about ourselves, and those of us who know it's an illusion. I'm still on the fence ;) A part of my mind is fighting this lesson. A part of my mind is saying that there is no way I could have made it to 29 years old if all of this was false. That is, of course, my ego talking.
I'm trying to get comfortable just seeing the patterns. I'm trying to work on being more patient. My current self sees the ways that I'm "messing up" and wants to fix it right away. Noticing is not good enough for that part of me. But a softer voice tells me that noticing is the work.
Every day I'm noticing more and more things (which my ego likes to tell me, look at all the things you're noticing, you really are a screw up aren't you), I'm noticing things faster, and shining the light on the darkness faster. I have to trust the process.
I imagine that in a year's time I'll look back at this baby blog post and laugh. Not judgmentally, of course ;) but laugh at how limited my beliefs are now. What an interesting thought. I hope that my depression will be gone by then.