It’s Time for a Miracle
Today I am starting A Course in Miracles Workbook, and I want to share a bit of the why:
Twice in my life I’ve given my faith and power away completely because of a break up. Both times I was so heart broken I renounced God, I renounced the world, I renounced everything I was, determined to wreak the same havoc on the world as I felt had happened to me.
But, guess what? The only one I hurt was myself. I realize that now. And I also realize something else. I thought I could give up on God. I thought I could get him out of my life, but that isn’t the case. I’m a child of God, and, even though I might tune his voice out, he will never leave me.
Turning my back on God led me to some of the most depressing times in my life. That’s what happens when ego rules instead of intuition.
A couple of years ago I decided I needed to turn my life around… I saw that the way I was living wasn’t working, I was getting drunk and doing drugs and lashing out at everyone who dared to get close to me. I didn’t know what to do or how to change, but I was willing, and that willingness has and continues to open doors for me.
Last year, through a business training of all things, I discovered Gabrielle Bernstein and A Course in Miracles. I bought and read Spirit Junkie. I bought and started A Course in Miracles, but I didn’t finish it. Too much time, too much effort, too much change… too easy? I stopped for many reasons.
But I feel I’m being called to revisit A Course in Miracles because I have to admit something right here and now. The past few months have been really hard for me. I have felt a pain of melancholy deep in my chest, depression that I have for no apparent reason. My life is good, I am cared for, I have friends and a boyfriend, my podcast enables me to talk to so many amazing women, and yet I have this ever present sadness that I can’t shake. I have this sadness inside of me that leaves me curled up in bed unable to move. And something has to change, there has to be a better way.
I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried gratitude, I’ve tried prescriptions, I’ve tried all of the “traditional” ways to treat depression, and at best they leave me functioning. At worst they don’t work at all. I’ve tried self-medicating and that only led down a darker road than I could have ever imagined.
So last night, I picked up A Course in Miracles yet again and as I started reading that ball of sadness in me started to unwind itself. It was, and I don’t say this lightly, a miracle. I am crying as I right this because I thought that this physical ache would always be a part of me, that I would never have relief. And I’m still coming to terms with something I heard so many times as a kid in church, I have a God shaped hole in my heart that only he can fill, and so I’m inviting him in by renewing my study in A Course in Miracles. And I’m inviting you to come along with me on my journey, because I’m a bit scared. I’m scared that I’ll give up, that I’ll give in to my ego, and I don’t want that to happen because right now, I can’t stand the thought of another day stolen by depression.
The same way that I started this blog because I needed both accountability and to share what I was learning about self-love, I need accountability and to share what I’m learning on this spiritual journey I’m undertaking. A Course in Miracles says we learn what we teach, so this makes total sense for me to do this.
This is going to be hard, but I hope you’ll come with me. We will be chasing away our fears, tuning in to our intuition, choosing love, and becoming closer to God. If you don’t have a copy of A Course in Miracles, you can get it here.